Hold, Don't Carry

Empathy is not pity (and the difference changes everything)

A few weeks ago, I attended the CASE conference: Transform Your Vision into Action, focused on employment equity. And I saw something I recognized. Something in the way people talked about the individuals they support. No pity. None. Zero looking down. Just presence. A real one.

It's an example that stays with me.

"1 million Canadians ready to work. No pity needed. Presence needed."

What pity does (and doesn't do)

Pity is looking at someone and thinking: "Poor them. I need to fix this." It comes from a good place, pity does. But it creates distance. It puts the other person in the role of victim and you in the role of saviour.

The problem? Nobody grows in that scenario.

What empathy does instead

Empathy, in the EQ-i 2.0 model, is the ability to recognize, understand and consider the emotions of others. In human terms: putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Really. Not to walk for them, but to walk beside them.

LiveWorkPlay, an organization that supports people with intellectual disabilities to live fully in their community, is an example that has stayed with me since I first came across them. Their work is not about managing lives. It's about supporting people who want to live, work, belong. The difference is enormous.

They don't fix. They hold.

"Hold. Don't carry. That's where the difference lives."

Hold, don't carry

That's the image that stays with me from all of this. Holding someone is not the same as carrying them.

Carrying means deciding for them. Holding means being there when things get shaky, without taking away the other person's right to get back up on their own.

And that? That's empathy in its purest form.

We're all capable of this, every day

You don't need to work for a community organization to practise this. Empathy is for the colleague who shows up quietly on a Monday morning. For the friend who says "I'm fine" when they clearly aren't. For the client who hesitates and can't quite say why.

It's not an innate quality reserved for sensitive souls. It's a skill. It develops. It's practised.

What if the real strength was simply being there, without trying to fix anything?

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Go further

Empathy is one of 15 competencies measured by the EQ-i 2.0. Curious about where you stand? I invite you to explore what emotional intelligence can change in the way you work and connect with others.

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Rachel

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What if being present was the greatest gift we could offer another person?